My Holiday in Brief.

I've started going camping. I went to a party. I've been drunk a handful of times. I gave up on someone. I fell for a stranger from my past. I was crushed accidentally by said stranger. I've sewed up a hole that I'd simply sellotaped. I've slept in the rain. I went sick down my sleeve. I've weeded in a few fields. I've had to be dressed by other people. I'm a volunteer. I've met a fellow vegetarian who is my exact height. I've finally bought clothes from Jack Wills. I've met a lot of weird and wonderful strangers. I've got myself a social life. I've found inspiration. I've snuck into somebody's house for food. I went a little bit lesbian. I actually scared myself. I saw the campuses for the Cheltenham bases of the University of Gloucestershire. I've written some monologues on Tumblr that I'm happy with. I've cried and not had anyone notice. I've decided against reading the prequel to the Hannibal trilogy. I've slept in the car coming home from England. I've had some dreams that have blown my mind. I've worn my favourite woolly jumper outside the house. That's all that comes to mind, if you want to know anything else, simply ask me at:

http://www.formspring.me/TofuBrown

A Good Start To A Long Holiday

Wednesday June 30, 2010 I went down to Carmarthen to see Tess' and Hannah's flat and to generally spend the day with my sister. I took her to the music shop to see the accordion that I've had my eye on. She always seems interested in my weird phases, or at least when she's alone with me. She's a sister then, not a wannabe mom. She (unlike Mr. 'I-Can't-Do-That-Because-I'll-Look-Like-A-Freak-Even-Though-I-Know-You-Are-And-I-Still-Go-Out-With-You-For-Some-Unforeseeable-Reason', whose name says it all!) asked the man working tehre about the accordions because I was too shy in case they weren't even accordions, and I shall tell you all that he told us: The £120 that I've been looking at for a few weeks MIGHT be leaky, and would cost £150 to completely restore, but once restored, it could be sold for £1000. The accordion that Tess liked is a standard and cost £360, he then worked out that if you rented that accordion for four months, it would only cost you £90, which is just over £20 a month. Interesting, huh? I thought so anyway.

NEXT. Thursday July 1, 2010, I went to The Red Cross in Llandeilo had a 'poster' on their door (pictured) which I took an interest in. I really like charity shops, mainly because you end up with things that not everybody has and sometimes look vintage but also because of the whole 'Green Thing' that I rock so well with being a regular public transport user and a vegetarian, but I'd never thought of volunteering, mainly because you could be working in the hours your giving to charity for money, and I know that could quite easily sound awful, but you do have to make money to get on in life, to not live in poverty. Yes, I'll be the first to admit that the Certificate in Retail is what made me go in about it. So anyway, I went in on Thursday July 1, 2010 and spoke to Amanda, the shop manager. She took me to the back room and I sat on a foot stool whilst she sat on the floor and talked through some forms with me. Then came the exciting part, the showing me around bit. Here're the interesting highlights: They aren't allowed to use normal bags, they have to pay £20 for a small roll of special purple bags from the council, so by giving them junk, you're costing them money. They haven't got the facilities to wash or iron clothes, so if something's dirty, it has to be sent away to a Soviet country, like Russia. They have a steamer, which they use on everything before it goes out, meaning that sometimes things that look clean have to be sent away too. They have a special tag gun to put the tags on things, and it's really cool. They have to go through bags of donations at waist height because you're not meant to bend, and there're two different areas - one for donations and one for unacceptable items. There are some weird people that not only send filthy clothes, but send in broken glass and china, and just leave the bags outside the shop in bin liners. The till is computerised (not like the typewriter kind that I always lusted for...) and sometimes crashes. There is actually a system, so for example, if someone bought a book, you'd press 'Books Fiction' and scan. It's a touch screen unfortunately. They have a price chart, which tells you (on a scale of £ to £££££) how much you should price a product from certain lines, such as Next, Primark and Matthew Williamson. I loved all of this, and they liked me so much she offered me five days, but I could only make four. I only have to do twenty hours to get the Certificate (which is sponsored by Tesco) and I start on Monday, I'm doing a 'full day' which is ten til three, with an hours lunch.

FINALLY. I was going to go shopping with Abi on Friday July 2, 2010 but she had to cancel because she had to play violin at Newton House, where there was a sort of Art and Textiles show thing going on. I was upset, because I've had my eyes on this dress at Hobos for months and was getting scared that it wouldn't be there anymore. It's pink with white polka dots, and whilst before I'd never have thought about wearing it, a certain Mr. 'Sunshine Monster' has given me a stupid amount of confidence in such a short amount of time using not as many compliments as you'd imagine. I had to go with Ashley instead. We got to the door at half past ten and discovered it was closed. I saw a green polka dot dress in the window on the mannequin and exclaimed, "If that pink dress doesn't fit, I'm trying that!" We were only there a few seconds more when this weird but lovely dude walked over, tried to open the door, squealed in confusion when it didn't open and then said "That's not how you do business... Are they like, picking up litter or something because they're hobos? It must be something serious..." We parted ways, unfortunately. We went to HMV and I bought Darwin Deez's album at full price, we went back at eleven and it was open. I ran in and picked up the pink dress and saw that it was a size two, I then picked up the green polka dot dress (there were many different colours, but the green was the most striking and therefore the most me) in two sizes, a to and a three. After a seconds thought, I put the size three down with a smug smile on my face. This is rather poignant because it shows once and for all that I have defeated my teenage female body dismorphia.

I tried the pink one on and it looked weird - I didn't have enough boobs to fill it and as the had been tailored to emphasise the boob area, it stuck out at weird angles as opposed to being stretched tight around real ladies curves. I then tried the green one on and I fell in love - the neckline wasn't too low, the shoulders stuck out so much that they were not only quirky, but hiding my freaky deformed shoulder, and it doesn't even need an elasticated belt at the waist it's so flattering! I wondered if I should buy it, and I thought of all the things that Jason has said to me, and with that in mind, I strode over to the till and got out my last £20 note. That's the only important part of that story really. Thank you Jason... x

Then that night, I went to Jess' house party - yes, the one I spoke of in my last post. It was amazing. Started off slow, never went fast, and I'm grateful. As I'm growing older, time doesn't speed past me as much, and I'm fine with that. It was amazing. There were unexpected moments and moments that should have happened about a year ago. I'm not going to tell you about it though, surprise surprise!

The Hay Festival, 2010

Monday, May Thirty-First, Twenty-Ten. This is the day I've been waiting for. This is the day that occurred yesterday. This is the day that as time goes by, gets further and further into the past.

Everybody knows about The Hay Festival of Literature and Arts. It's been hailed as 'the Woodstock of the mind' by Bill Clinton and is ever increasing. It was started in the late eighties, is an annual occurrence and spans over ten days. It originally only featured literature based events, but thankfully has expanded to include music, films, stand up and many other things. Is it a high society thing? Not really. Is it perceived as being so? Yes. I honestly think that that's only due to the interest in literature or arts (no matter what that may be) that you require to actually want to go. I'm not interested in drugs, I'm not interested in drink and I'm not interested in sex. I don't eat meat, I don't party and I don't have much in common with the media's perception of teenagers, and yes, you guessed it - I wanted to go to The Hay Festival.

My friend invited me to see Tim Minchin with her, and after a long conversation with my parents, which I dare not bore you with, it was decided that if I could get someone to go with me, I could go. Tickets cost a mere £15, and I say mere because he's really making a name for himself so I'm expecting ticket prices to mushroom by next year unless he does something spectacularly wrong. The person I got? My beloved Ashmlee Willie Winkie. He paid for his own ticket obviously, but it's all cocaine baby because he has a job and walks around with over £100 pounds in his wallet, which we've constantly told him not to do but to no effect. The car journey wasn't too bad, nor was it too eventful. I can't remember the time we left, or the time that we arrived, and it doesn't really make a difference to the story, with which I'm simplifying a lot to save time and energy for you guys.

We minced about for a few hours. We looked in stalls, Mother and I rushed to buy a The Guardian's Hay Festival bag each (which came free with a £1 Guardian that nobody really wanted), we looked for food but were shocked at the prices and lack of vegetarian food, Ashmlee Willie Winkie laughed at the ice cream stall that used sheep's milk to make their ice cream I stared wide-eyed in slight horror at a woolly jumper that looked like it was covered in swastikas and we caught the shuttle bus to town. We bought food from a small place called Oscar's, and I bought two CDs for £5 from the huge amount of CDs being sold, there were at least thirty standard school desk tables completely covered in music. I bought 'Nude' by Suede, and 'This Is Hardcore' by Pulp. Yes I am getting heavily involved in Britpop, the nineties scene. My parents bought me a cowboy voodoo doll thing and a pair of adorable bumblebee voodoo doll earrings which I wore to Tim Minchin. They also bought me a ladybug lapel pin, which is adorable. We roamed around two vintage stores (upon which I saw a girl dressed completely head to toe in vintage and realised that I could never carry it off), a bookshop which specialises in murder and mystery and the Castle Bookshop. We then caught the shuttle bus back to the festival sight so the two of us could meet up with the original friend who had invited me and her friend in the queue with one hour and a quarter to go. We could hear him through the tent and got overly excited. We went in and sat about six rows from the front. Tim Minchin came out and the three of us girls squealed and even Ashmlee Willie Winkie let out a smile not too dissimilar to our manic faces. He started off with 'Rock 'n Roll Nerd' and went through many songs and stand up moments. It was amazing. He went off track a few times and handed hecklers in such an amusing fashion. Of course, we all thought the hecklers were in their twenties, but it turned out they were in their thirties or forties (why isn't there a 'U' in that?) and were rather lovely. They seemed like paedophiles, but I think they were just a bit drunk and gay, and yes, I can judge all this because I met them when we were queueing up to meet the man himself. My friend made a spectacle of herself to one of the security staff men, who was oh so lovely about the whole thing. I won't go into it, because it annoyed Ashmlee Willie Winkie and myself. She is two years younger than me though. Stereotypes have some truth behind them, and there's a reason why thirteen year old girls are ridiculed. I don't care if she's fourteen, it still applies. She went insane about having to queue, I explained that it's because we're British and were raised with manners. She wanted to barge. I was sarcastic. The sarcasm might have been lost on her.

Tim Minchin signed all of our tickets, and Ashmlee Willie Winkie was so excited! I thought it would be quite sweet to all have a photo together, the three of us. It also saved a lot of time as the whole thing seemed very rushed. I don't care, I met the man, I'm a lucky bum! I said to Pa when he fetched us, "You'd be pleased to know that I was more excited to meet the Australian than to meet the drag artist," in referral to meeting Jeffree Star. He seemed pleased to say the least...

PostScript: I'm going to enter the festival's short story competition. There's a cash price, although it's not as big as you's imagine, and it has to be about Avarice. I haven't read the terms or the rules, but I'm excited nevertheless!

The Day of Being Christian

Ashmlee Willie Winkie and I were going to go to Carmarthen last week, so we caught a bus to Ammanford at around midday (the bus driver drove off when I was walking down the aisle and I actually did fall flat on my butt) and then we had to wait two hours to catch a bus to Carmarthen, we bummed around for about an hour and a half before deciding that it was pointless going since we wouldn't have much time to do anything anyway, so I phoned GrandPapi to pick us up. He was nasty to me at the start but when he realised that it was I, Tofu, he came straight away. He'd obviously thought that I was my sister (long story, and even if you've already heard it, there's now more). I put on an old CD that my sister and I made, that was the soundtrack to our lives two years ago, and although I've outgrown it, I still like it. Nikki FM by Hawthorne Heights came on, which has very a suicidal line, and when GrandPapi got in the car, he brought an old man that I'd never even seen before and turned up the volume. I could've died in awkwardness and Ashmlee Willie Winkie was laughing at me being embarrassed. Upon returning home, we watched loads of cartoons that we grew up to (I.M. Weasel, Spongebob Squarepants, Sylvester and Tweety, etc...), Doctor Who, Britain's Got Talent, I'm In A Rock 'n Roll Band and then A Bit of Fry And Laurie. We fell asleep and decided that we'd go to Carmarthen next Saturday.

Yesterday, we didn't make exactly the same mistake as last week. (I made a new mistake however because I judged the day's temperature on the temperature at half past seven, so by throwing on my wooly gray cardigan over my Used vest top, I was boiling hot later on in the day.) We woke up at around seven, and Ashmlee Willie Winkie caught the bus from his stop and ten minutes later I got on it at my stop. This time I didn't fall. Mother asked why we decided to get up at such an ungodly hour, to which I replied "For a laugh." We got off at Ammanford and had to wait one and a half hours for the bus to Carmarthen, but at least this time we would have plenty of enough time to have fun there. The only places in Ammanford that were open were the bakers (Jenkins on the left and Greggs opposite it on the right), Specsavers and Tesco. It was so early that only old people were awake and everyone looked at us as if we were Christians. We stuffed our faces and played in the park before jumping on the bus that was full of old people. Half way through the bus journey, I did my dislocating thumb trick to counter Ashmlee Willie Winkie's more disgusting dislocating thumb trick, and the nice guy behind us (that Ashmlee Willie Winkie had given the time to earlier) said, "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be looking or anything, but that's weird." I was so embarrassed and said, whilst bright red, "Well at least I didn't do the one where my foot is the same level as my head..." I remained red for the rest of the bus journey. Nothing much happened in Carmarthen. I popped in about ten clothes shops looking for a reasonably priced shirt to put over my vest top and I could only find one that was anywhere near my price range, but they only had sizes sixteen, eighteen and twenty, not the size eight that I am or the six ten that I like in shirts. We met up with my sister for a bit and then got a bus back to Llandeilo to walk down to Ashmlee Willie Winkie's house so he could pick up his copy of Fantastic Mr. Fox because I really wanted to watch it (especially since Jarvis Cocker has a song and a minor character called Petey in it). I loved it. There was a digital copy, a DVD and a Blu-Ray version of it in one box, so thanks to the digital copy, I now have it on my iPod. I never thought it would be so funny, and it's only one hour twenty minutes. We could've watched it in the time that we spent in Ammanford waiting for the bus to Carmarthen and still had ten minutes to spare! We then watched my Saturday night programmes (Doctor Who, Britain's Got Talent, I'm In A Rock 'n Roll Band) before going to bed. He went to bed on top of my bed in the sleeping bag that we bought him last year and I went to bed in my parent's stupidly comfortable bed. Pa told me to not sleep on his side because I have 'disgusting sleeping habits', so I didn't, although I still managed to make a dribble lake on his pillow which wasn't intentional! Oops.

Oh, and quickly to add, I've been talking to 'Mr. Shit, I Haven't Got A New Name For Him Yet And The Old One's Inappropriate' about my latest Cameron and Clegg Fantasy, and nearly died of laughing when I typed the following on his wall. I just thought I'd share it with you because I nearly died of laughter!

He glares over at Nick, and instantly all of the unfinished paper work and the state of the economy meant nothing to him. He just wanted to cradle Nick and take away his hurt pride. Nick shook his head and left leaving David alone with his thoughts and his HARD ON!

♥

The Week Before HELL.

So Monday night, I'm home alone and therefore obviously on the one and only worthwhile social networking website for my particular age group - go on and try to guess what on Earth I'm talking about! Whilst clicking 'become a fan' of random statements that I agree with or find amusing, I get a phone call from Mother. She's decided we were to be going to the Cotswolds on Tuesday, the day of my mock Welsh oral. Does she know this? Hell no! Did I care? Not in the slightest (Y)

The most gutting part had to be that I pretty got up at the same time as I usually do. I hate when you don't have to go to school, but you get up the same time. It leaves you feeling hollow on the inside, thinking about the lie-in that you should be having as a reward for not going to school. I got up though and put on my skinniest pair (and therefore favourite pair) of black skinnies, my new AMAZING Nike shoes, my New Look 'Rockstar' long jumper, my turquoise American Apparel zip-up, my ancient New Look black jacket thing, a creamy zebra print head band and my favourite Chihuahua necklace from Eden. Whilst walking from the car park to a nomnomnom place, we passed a little wooden shop, so we went in there and bought this wall thing that looks like a house but is actually a key holder. It's cute. We then went to the gallery that we always go to and viewed menus in four different places, the first two had little choice but did offer pea soup so I would've been happy, the third was just in passing and the fourth was somewhere that we normally go, and Pa and I had homity pie (which I usually have in school). We then went browsing in random shops, like Oxfam, Fat Face and a button shop, before heading over to Cirencester cathedral. I sat in there like a vain pig, redoing my head band and eye liner, whilst Pa was in a weird mood and Mother walked around in awe, like she has done the last 1,000,000,000 times we've gone there. I just don't seem to care much for cathedrals or churches or any religious places to be honest. Mother still argues that I'm a Christian because I've been Christened - she refuses to listen when I prove her wrong with what my RE teacher told the class. Seriously though, I couldn't keep my eyes off these English guys! We then zoomed to Cardiff, which we didn't really want to do, but it was getting late and most places would be closed in Swansea by the time we arrived. We went to two Pizza Hut's and in the first, they were really rude, and in the second, they'd run out of dough but were very polite. We then went to Pizza Express, but it was freezing in there so we went to Zizzi's which we love anyway, and we were served by this not-so-bad-on-the-eyes guy called James, who we realised was gay as soon as he opened his mouth. Tsss... Not cool.

Here's a list of things that went on between Wednesday and Friday:

I had to explain my absence in History to Lady Hammett, I was called repulsive by Squidward, I text a group of people asking them if I was just to prove that I'm not, I was prioritised in the hugging department by Digby, I met my new doctor, I had a row from my Welsh teacher for not being in school when I had my mock Welsh oral, I received my report (which had a double Business page and no Physics page), I spoke a few sentences to Smooth without exploding, I lost it to a Virgo, I nearly died in PE, I was called 'Foundation Girl' in referral to Welsh by my friend who's turned really bitter to me about the whole thing and I had a review with the Headmaster. Oh, and yes I know I should call her a Headmistress, but words changing for sexism and racism has gone too far. Isn't it better to treat people the same and not give people different words based on their sex? Feminism can get screwed. Then to top it all off, Lady Hammett stayed over and we watched two episodes of The IT Crowd, one episode of The Mighty Boosh and Blades Of Glory. We went to bed at gone three in the morning.

Saturday morning, we were meant to catch the quarter past eight bus to Swansea, as I had arranged on Wednesday (the same day I was called repulsive), but then on Friday night Cherry text me to tell me that the Brynaman bus would arrive in Ammanford at twenty past eight and that she 'hadn't had time' to check the times. (It took me about three minutes to check all of the bus times on the internet in my Business lesson.) This seriously annoyed me, so we had to bum around Ammanford until ten to nine, which really wasn't cool. We then zoomed to Swansea, zoomed over to Vue, waited for it to open and then went in and bought our tickets. Lady Hammett bought a large popcorn for the two of us and told me I didn't have to pay her, but she only ate like, three handfuls. I ate it all basically! Ashmlee Willie Winkie was there, so I saw him for a bit, then we went straight in and watched the film, which I can't be arsed to review (because I like to review things properly and in depth). However, I will tell you that my favourite character is now the March Hare, and my ultimate favourite part of the film simply had to be: [booming Scottish accent] YOU'RE ALL LATE FOR TEA! I'm not even joking, I nearly wet my pants. Seriously, I love him! After that, we strolled around Swansea, visiting the Blue Banana, Claire's, Top Shop, the special pasty place (Cherry rated her pasty an eight, Lady Hammett rated her pasty a nine and I rated my pasty a ten), Derrik's Music, Hobo's and Eden. We then went to the Mad Cow (Lady Hammett had a Nutella milkshake whilst Cherry and I had Kinder Bueno milkshakes) and then met up with Cherry's friends Shaun (Crumple) and Amy. They're lovely! Even if Crumple is obsessed with someone that seriously hurt me without giving it any though, y'know Fag from a few posts ago? Yeah, well him. Amy was lovely and crazy, which is grand. Lady Hammett went quiet, but that's here prerogative so..? We saw Ashmlee Willie Winkie again, which was grand! We went to the Blue Banana twice more because Crumple is obsessed, but to make up, he bought us Subway cookies, so it's all cocaine baby! On the bus, Amy went sick (poor thing), I took loads of pictures of Lady Hammett doing hideous faces and Midget REALLY annoyed us. Oh, and for reasons I can't be bothered to explain, I was being called Simpson Girl by this guy called Chris. Cherry started saying that she was going to be killed because her mother wanted her home by seven, which she failed to tell us. Why do people have such shit organising skills? It turns out the next bus to Brynaman was quarter past eight, which is slightly ironic as that's the same time that I wanted to catch the bus this morning! When we got home, Lady Hammett told me that she's busy on the weekend of the seventeenth of March so I have to wait to see I Love You Phillip Morris, which I'm really upset about but understand. Plus, it turns out that Jeffree Star and BrokeNCYDE are coming to Sin City, so I'm hoping I can go to that! I fell asleep at around half nine, and went to bed at around eleven.

I have my Welsh oral exam tomorrow and I haven't revised at all. I've prioritised my ten hour Art exam which is this Tuesday and Friday. This I am not happy about. Another thing I'm not happy about is that I woke up at nine this morning, but only got out of bed at noon. Then this blog post took an hour to write, so that's four hours that could've been spent on Art gone. Stressed? Of course, but I'm not going to act like Squidward about it...

The Day I Walked Four Miles

Next Saturday, I'm going to the cinema with Cerian, Kate (her 'plus one') and Abi (my 'plus one') to see Tim Burton's 'Alice In Wonderland' (since Cerian and I have been waiting with much excitement to see it since rumours of the project were first announced). After that, I have to go up to the Rugby Club with Mother for BitchMouth's older brother's eighteenth birthday bash. He's doing A Level English and Mother tutors him because he's atrocious! We'll only be going for an hour because we aren't the kind of people to go to those places. Therefore, I went up to Ffairfach to see Ashmlee Willie Winkie this Saturday, so he wouldn't be too disappointed in not seeing me when I'm in Swansea.

I didn't make a special effort to wake up early, so I got out of bed at 13.30 and got to Ashmlee Willie Winkie's house in Ffairfach by 15.00 after I'd bathed and made myself decent. First we stood around in his house awkwardly, then we walked up to the gallery in Llandeilo. I was told that my work resembled some artist called Esther something, so I made the special effort to go up to check her out. I've never been so insulted! She paints £300 smudges that aren't even recognisable half the time. My paintings don't look like smudges! (I've included my favourite animal one to prove my point!) Then we strolled to CK's and the Co-operative (both circled in turquoise on the map). I bought a large packet of plain Aero and one of those little milk bottles (semi-skimmed of course), whilst Ashmlee Willie Winkie bought a large packet of mint Aero, a can of Coke and a packet of crisps. We ate all of this pretty quickly. Then I had the great idea of having an adventure and walking up to the bandstand (which is circled in yellow on the map). We instead chose to go down a wooded area where a deer cull is currently being undergone, there was a faint path but it was so slippery and muddy that it was more hazardous than helpful. Then we ended up at an abandoned church and graveyard. Seriously, some of the people there were from the 1800s! They had cool names too, so I took a picture of around three and plan to use them for inspiration. We then strolled through the fields, seeing an adorable lamb on the way. I loved it anyway, but when it got up and limped up to us with a broken leg my heart could've exploded. Then it limped off. I don't know the RSPCA number, but last time I phoned them they said they couldn't do anything about the bird with it's wing hanging off. Arseholes. Anyway, we walked through around three fields and then I saw Dinefwr Castle. New adventure, duh! We trekked up there, our legs breaking in half, and then explored every inch of the castle possible. The steps up to some of the towery bits were so steep that they actually touched the back of my knee (which is around 18inches). I've pulled my right thigh in the process! Then as it was getting dark, we left. At one point, I skidded and landed face first into Ashmlee Willie Winkie. I started talking about how old the castle must be, and I was rather impressed when he remembered the phrase 'motte and bailey castle'. When we were in the fields, the moon was full and the clouds were strolling past it. I joked that these were the kind of scenes where the werewolves come streaming out of the forest and eat their victims. It was really dark when we finally got out of the fields.I know it's awful, but I'm a little bit scared of people with mental problems, you never know what they're thinking and they're revolting. (We all have faults, right?) You can imagine my horror when one came over to Ashmlee Willie Winkie and myself asking if we'd seen a dachshund. She made me think of one of the infected people in 28 Days Later, which sort of freaked me out! We passed a sign saying 'Bogwood Boardwalk' which tickled us, and then when we reached the main road, we went to Spar for Ashmlee Willie Winkie to buy a drink. We then popped on a bus and zoomed to my house.

When home, I tied his hair up and then abused him a bit. Then we ate pizza and watched Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans with my parents. I loved it! Michael Sheen has always teetered on my 'weird man crush' list, but now he's properly included as one of the mains! Oof! NOMNOMNOM! Ashmlee Willie Winkie and I went upstairs and made out for a bit whilst listening to my 'Jarvis' playlist (which is a mix of his solo stuff and Pulp). I kept giggling at how inappropriate some of the lyrics were. After that, Pa took him home and then the Brownies sat and watched Underworld and Underworld: Evolution. This took us up to about 05.00, so I went up to bed and read some of Red Dragon by Thomas Harris before eventually falling asleep. I also text my lovely Lady Hammett for a bit. After writing this, I printed out the map with our snail trail on and with a piece of string, measured how far we walked. The results were 22, 500 feet which is 4 miles or 7 kilometres, whatever floats your boat. No wonder my leg is still killing me!

In Which I Don't Mention St. Valentine's Day.

Okay, so here are the three things I'm going to talk about: Dental Procedure, Lady Hammett, Swansea and Those With An XY Chromosome. (This post has taken me a while to red, I have NME on television and Pulp's song 'Disco 2000' came on. I've never properly watched the video and I find it necessary to stop everything I'm doing to watch and appreciate the God-like Jarvis Cocker. Then Head Automatica's 'Beating Heart Baby' came on and I had to drool to Daryl Palumbo, et cetera et cetera et cetera...)

(i) Dental Procedure. (Friday February Twelfth, Twenty-Ten. Part One.)

I have another procedure taking place in my head - or to be more specific, in my face - or to be more specific, in my mouth. Even though I'm only sixteen, I have wisdom teeth coming up, and lucky me, they're impacted. I went to the dentist about it before, but when I had the X-ray, they found the cyst. Obviously that was prioritised and sorted first. But now the pain was back. As I showed Lady Hammett on the bus the previous Saturday, my gums weren't allowing the teeth to come through so it looked like I had two lumps in the back of my mouth. This was the main cause of the pain. After a dental appointment, I was told to book another one on Friday. So we did and I left school between second and third lesson after picking up the school's supply of Gouache and some notes for Business that I'd failed to receive before. I read some of Chuck Palahniuk's 'Non-Fiction' in the waiting room. After a brief conversation with Dr. Rai, my dentist, he injected my mouth and froze it. He told me it would feel like a scratching sensation, but he didn't tell me that it would feel like a needle going into my head, which shocked me so much that I almost didn't realise the pain. He then cut off the gum that was covering my wisdom tooth on the painful side, and then stuck some material in my mouth and told me to bite onto it for ten whole minutes. This left me unable to talk and feeling rude because I couldn't say Thank You. There's now a square shaped hole in the back of my mouth; it's painful, gross and not lady-like at all.

(ii) Lady Hammett. (Friday February Twelfth, Twenty-Ten. Part Two.)

Once I'd had a piece of my head removed (see above), I text Lady Hammett telling her that she could still come over because it wasn't as painful as expected. She ended up staying, which was cool, and we watched two amazing films: Pineapple Express and Wilde. Turns out her second favourite person, James Franco, was one of the main dudes that I love. (He's second after Jeff Buckley, duh.) We took some pictures of ourselves doing faces that were just wrong, and we spoke about girly stuff until Hell froze over. Thankfully, she was producing the main output for a change. I enjoyed it too, because with me there's always something new that I want to tell Lady Hammett, so to shut up and listen to her going on for ages about one thing was fun. We went to bed at four, then she spoke some more and we eventually fell asleep. She had to leave early the next day because I was meeting up with Ashmlee Willie Winkie at eleven in Llandeilo. I'm sad that Lady Hammett is going to Wells, I'm scared of being replaced and not have anyone to rant all my stupid girly crap to. If she keeps her blog up though, we can keep up to date with everything and I'll get her Christmas presents and Birthday presents and everything!

(iii) Swansea. (Saturday February Twelfth, Twenty-Ten. Part One.)

The Saturday previous, I went on a date with Sam Mitchell. This week, I went to Swansea again but with Ashmlee Willie Winkie. To everyone else, it would look like a date, and I suppose it was, but we didn't discuss that word! It still makes me blush see... Anyway, I showed him the best place in the whole of Swansea to get a pasty, especially if you're a vegetarian (which he isn't, but he is considerate this year because he said that if we go to Subway, he'd end up eating meat, meat and more meat). It's in the market, and it's but the entrance that's on the same street as Accessorise, Monsoon and Lush. The cheese and onion pasty is full of potato, so it's delicious, even though it did burn my tongue. Then we strolled to the cake stall diagonal to my Mother's Cousin soap stall, and then walked around the perimeter of the market a whole five times trying to find an empty bench. We didn't, so we went to O'Briens and got a tea and a coffee, and snuck in our cakes. Ashmlee Willie Winkie had chocolate cake, I had carrot cake. The lady next to us was drinking tea and I was watching her for no particular reason when all of a sudden her cup snapped clean in half in mid-air. It made me feel like Harry Potter when he gets peeved and his Aunt balloons. I was scared of being cautioned by the wizarding community then... haha. Anyway, we strolled around and kind of did nothing. I bought Taylor Swift's album and Frankmusik's album. I wanted to get Ellie Goulding's or Marina & The Diamonds' but they hadn't come out by then. Oh, and we found this place that sells every kind of milkshake imaginable (including Parma Violets, Peanut Butter and Chocolate and Skittles). I had the Nutella one, obviously. I'm going to go there on all of my Swansea trips. That way, I can make a mental League Table of the best ones, and when we're all up to it, it'll be fun for all of us to get gross ones as a laugh! We're all nerds anyway! At one point, at least one hundred people were crowded around the fountain watching the rugby on the huge television screen by McDonald's.

(iv) Those With An XY Chromosome. (Saturday February Twelfth, Twenty-Ten. Part Two.)

Ashmlee Willie Winkie came over and had pasta here, eventually staying the night because he works with Pa on Fridays and Sundays in The Fig Tree, and has done since the first time we went out four years ago. Mother was really upset when I left him, so Pa offered him a job. This year, he has an opinion which is amazing because that was one of his biggest flaws before. He even shook his head when I asked him if he liked So You Think You Can Dance because I was watching Tommy. Before he would've just shrugged. Anyway, I think we're kind of together, but two really scary things happened. The first one was that he looked like this creepy guy on the internet that I use to talk to, and the second thing was that when we were making out, I thought it would be funny to think of Meh, and when I did I was so turned on that I felt like crying because it wasn't Meh and never will be Meh. Then I thought of Blondie, which didn't make the situation much better. We ended up watching 'Silence of the Lambs'. I loved it and now need to see 'Hannibal' and read the books.

Ewan McGregor Causes Teen Jizz! xD

So today I went to Swansea with Sam Mitchell and we went to the cinema and saw Youth In Revolt, which stared Michael Cera as his usual self. I wore my sexy new Nike shoes. Then, on our way to the bus (which we didn't catch because it was full) we saw Lord and Lady Hammett having a stroll in WHSmiths. We collaborated and became the coolest kids in town. That's not what I'm going to rabbit on about though... I have an even bigger fish to fry!

We were sat three rows back from the screen, we had our bags on the floor, I had a bottle of water in my right hand and my right arm was bent at the elbow; I was comfortable. The trailers were loud and a majority of them were fast-paced; I had seen many of them before. Then everything changed.

A silent green screen appeared before me. My favourite colour completely caught my attention and a little buzz hummed in my stomach. (Like when Sims clap at their favourite things, this is my personal reaction, a humming buzz in my tum.) Jim Carrey appeared on the screen, I wasn't as excited as before, but not disappointed either. He's an amazing actor and a hilarious guy, but he doesn't tend to be in the films that you pay around £7 to see in the cinema. The film seemed funny, had a twist. Then, for the first time in my life, I was so sexually frustrated that I had to hold it in and squirm about in my seat. THE Ewan McGregor appeared on the screen. He is just amazing and in this film, he's gay with Jim Carrey. He seems to be overly-sensitive and sweet, a Virgo (just typed that in as 'virgin' and it made me laugh). I need to see this film or I'll die!

I Love You Phillip Morris - Coming Out On Wednesday March Seventeenth.

As my older readers will have read (http://turnipface.blogspot.com/2009/06/homosexual-lust.html), I totally have a thing for gay things and people. This film, entitled I Love You Phillip Morris, is a true story about Steven Jay Russell who, to be fair, is a genius. His IQ is 163, and he is an American con artist and an impostor who has had multiple prison escapes. He met Phillip Morris in prison, and they fell in love. He even had Morris transported to his prison at one point! A book's been published about his life, and he is now serving a 144 year long prison sentence. He's 51 now.

Here's a condensed list of his most epic escapes:

♥ In 1996, while in Harris County Jail (Texas), Russell impersonated a judge and ordered his own bond decreased from $900,000 to $45,000, which he immediately posted. He was arrested 10 days later in Florida and was sent back to Texas.

♥ That same year he started taking art classes provided by the prison. Each time he attended a session, he snatched a green Magic Marker and hid it under his bed. Eventually, he had enough markers to dye his white prison uniform green. Since all the medical professionals in the prison wore green uniforms, Russell simply walked out of the prison disguised as a "doctor."

♥ At the prison library, Russell began reading up on the HIV virus and AIDS. He began taking laxatives to make it seem as if he had the symptoms of AIDS. Russell used a prison typewriter to forge a medical document stating that he suffered from the disease, and used it to convince doctors of his "condition" on February 24. He fooled the prison doctor into believing that a 'special needs parole' to a Houston hospital had been authorized on March 13. While outside and free again, Russell posed as a doctor and informed the prison that Russell had died from AIDS.

♥ When police were alerted of his latest doings, Russell feigned a heart attack and was transported to a hospital. The FBI placed him under guard, but Russell managed to impersonate an FBI agent on his cellular phone and convinced officers guarding him to leave. He walked out of the hospital and the hunt for Russel began all over again.

Oh, and don't worry people - not all of my future posts are going to be videos. I told Sam to be more open on his blog (http://thezealouszebra.blogspot.com/) and to post what he wrote about being depressed. I was going to write a post about my views on depression and self-harm today, but seeing this trailer just made me want to spread the word. That won't be a long blog post by the way, and it won't be a pondering kind of thing either. I know where my views stand and I've developed them over the last four years of my life. So nothing short of a near-death experience will change that! xD

For What It's Worth...

Sorry about the title name. I couldn't think of a short or catchy title so I just stole the name of a Placebo song from their amazing new album. Seriously, I wasn't sure if I should buy it or not so I did because I love Brian Molko and it had good reviews in both Kerrang! and NME and you know what, I haven't regretted buying it at full price once. It was totally worth it!

Anyway, back to my original story for you all. It all began yesterday morning... *drifts and swirls into flashback...*

I was stood in Ammanford bus station at around 09.43 holding in my hand four plastic spoons, one low fat raspberry yogurt costing 32p and one hazelnut yogurt costing 50p. I'd been waiting for a bus for around fifteen minutes and I had expected Cerian to be sat on the bus that pulled up in front of me, but she wasn't and that just made me really confused. Everyone passed me to get on the bus whilst I looked around frantically. Then I saw her reflection wandering around looking confused, as usual. We quickly joined forced and jumped on the bus - I still can't believe that the price has gone up from £2.50 to £2.75, I remember when they were well cheap.

We started off going to Topshop and were shocked that a majority of the stuff was either £50 or £32, although a lot of the accessories were either £9 or £12, which isn't actually bad considering how good the stuff is and to be fair, Topshop has got good quality. Realising we're far too poor to shop there, we made a hasty retreat and went to Accessorize instead. Cerian bought a phone charm whilst telling me about her Alice in Wonderland themed Mad Hatter tea party that she's doing for her birthday in November, and I bought a bunny rabbit mask for £3 whilst falling in love with a keyring that I could've bought, but didn't because I already have so many and I don't have many keys to put them with. We then popped to Primark (shock shock horror, I know!) and then we both bought a pair of £1 sunglasses (Cerian has pink thick plastic frames and I have white thick plastic frames), and I bought a silky £3 red nightie. I looked for a corset, but could only find 'shapewear' ones, which start as a bra and go down to knicks, like what babies wear. Needless to say, I didn't get it. I have a corset now, but the bra part doesn't fit me so it doesn't boost me up. (There's a nice image for you!) We went to His Master's Voice then, and I bought Biffy Clyro's 'Singles 2001 - 2005' and 3oh!3's 'Want' and Cerian bought Katy Perry's amazing 'One of the Boys' (I want to be more like Katy Perry...).

We then popped to Schuh, and there was this well hot guy looking in our direction, shadowing us. I was looking at these amazing Nikes which cost £55, he could probably tell that I was going to buy them, but it was such a lot of money to spend in one go and I'd never bought shoes on my own. We went and bought some food (which ended up so insane and embarrassing that we had to make yet another hasty retreat), I got a text from Mother confirming that I should buy them and then we traipsed up to a hole in the wall to get £20 out of the bank. We took a quick detour to Derrik's Music (where I would love love love to work) and Hobo's, then went back to Schuh and to our horror, the same amazingly hot guy was shadowing us. I picked up the same pair of shoes that I'd been perving on for ages, and when I saw the guy approaching, I stared at the shoes wishing he'd walk past, and when he asked if we were okay, Cerian grabbed the shoe, shoved it in his direction and yelled, "Can we have this is in a size seven please?" He came back with two pair of shoes and said, "Hi, yeah. We don't have a size seven, but here's the size six and the size eight pair." Then I had the moment which I hate so much that it causes a lump in my throat and my face to go red; I had to try them on with the guy stood there. I clumsily and slowly tried the six on and declared them far too small, which I knew they'd be anyway. Then I tied the eights on and silently cursed myself the whole time because I could feel them watching me and I was having problems with putting them on. I said I'd buy them and he muttered something that both of us didn't hear before walking off whilst I struggled to put my Converse back on. Confused, Cerian and I strolled over to the counter and he walked past us and mumbled something else. We both nodded and smiled then looked at each other dazed, he could tell that we hadn't heard so he pointed at the counter and told us to go to the till. So like two obedient fangirls, we did. The woman lent over the counter and said "Nikes?" but I had no idea what she said because she pronounced it so that it rhymed with Mike, unlike when I pronounce it. I'm one of the idiots that say it so that it rhymes with Mickey you see. When she said it again, I went "Oh!" and nodded. I then paid and made a hasty retreat for the third time that day.

Cerian seemed to be in a weird mood that day, so I felt really bad because I'd spent so much money when she'd only had £12 for the whole trip. We caught the bus at 14.31 (which is super early) and it said it went from Swansea to Llandeilo through Ammanford which meant it also went through Llandybie, which is the name of the lifeless shit hole that I live. The bus got to Ammanford, everyone got off except for me, Cerian jumped on a bus which went straight to Brynaman and the bus driver said, "Where you going love?" I walked up to him and said, "Doesn't this bus still go to Llandeilo?" (I'm a typical woman see, I answer questions with questions.) The driver said, "No love, this bus goes straight back to Swansea. Where do you live?" I told him that I live in Llandybie and he typed up something on his pad before telling me, "The next bus to Llandybie goes from that stop in half an hour." I said thank you and made my fourth and final hasty retreat of the day. I did my coat up, put my hood up and put my Jarvis playlist on. (It's called that because he's amazing and the playlist is both his solo work and Pulp.) I had decided to walk because it takes me thirty to forty minutes to walk so it seemed pointless to wait that long for a bus.

The pavement was icy and I had a slight difficulty breathing, due to a mixture of asthma which only plays up when I haven't got my pump on me, the cold since it doesn't go well when you breathe through your mouth like I do and my paranoia about breathing really loudly so that everyone else can hear and I don't know because I'm listening to my iPod. Yes I know, that last one is weird and as a result, I hold my breath on the bus when we go over speed bumps. My favourite part of the walk was when I reached Bonllwyn and 'Big Julie' was playing. It's about some fat girl who is always alone and she's so moved by this one song that she's playing that she just stops caring and realizes the shallowness and hypocrisy of the world surrounding her. Seriously, YouTube 'Big Julie Jarvis Cocker' because it's such an uplifting sounding song, and the lyrics are uplifting too, you should Google them. You don't need to know the tune to appreciate how amazing a lyricist Jarvis is, his narratives are second to none, not even Ryan Ross could compete. I might post the lyrics up here one day... Just the way that the drums pick up in the chorus and you can feel it all build, it made me want to throw myself in front of a car whilst screaming in defiance, just like 'Tonight, Tonight' by The Smashing Pumpkins made me want to cry and scream, and 'This Charming Man' by The Smiths made me want to smash all the glass in the bus up whilst screaming. When you get a feeling as powerful as that, you know that song has changed you. Like Chuck Palahniuk's character Shannon McFarland from Invisible Monsters wrote: Nothing Of Me Is Original. I Am The Combined Effort Of Everybody I've Ever Known. I also passed Angharad Dymond who's in my form and is really pretty, she waved which made my insides feel happy. I like it when people acknowledge me outside school.

Nothing really happened after that though. I arrived safely, virginity intact! xD

Cat Lady

At roughly 15.30, I was laying on the three seater couch wearing baggy jeans, a black vest top, my lapis American Apparel zip-up with a white zip, a size twenty-two brown acrylic jumper thing from Peacocks, a white bra, red pants, no socks and uggs. Home alone, I was catching up with my programmes on Sky+ Planner (I had two Glees and two America's Next Top Models to watch), when looking out the window I caught a glimpse of two eyes staring straight back at me. These were the eyes of next door's semi-pedigree Norwegian Forest (ridiculously) called Tiny Tim. (I say ridiculously because it's a girl.) This is around the sixth time we've caught her sitting outside our window. She's sixth months old, has no collar and is adorable.

Here's some background history:

My next door neighbour seems to care little for her pets, her husband does take care of the dog though, and she breeds them all. She bred their Labrador Retriever (and sold the last of the litter today as I found out when her husband invited me in to see the Andrex puppy after I delivered Tiny Tim back to them) and she breeds their Norwegian Forest cats (one of which is Santi's mother). The cats are always roaming the street and I believe one of them haven't returned, but twice the cat that she was making a profit from has gotten out and become pregnant with a stray cat, so she doesn't advertise them in case it devalues the price of the next litter. Both Santi and Tiny Tim fall under this category.

So I shut Santi, Floss and Mary out and brought Tiny Tim in. I fed her and watched her roam around the room persistently. At one point, she got stuck between a wicker cabinet and a miniature bookshelf in the corner due to her cute kitten curiosity, so I had to lift her out. Eventually she calmed down and fell asleep on the couch whilst I watched both her and Glee. Then at about 17.00, Mother and Grandpa came in. They'd spoken to the husband of the woman next door and he said that they'd have to get her done anyway and that then we could have her, but Tiny Tim did not get on with the dogs at all and then Santi was being friendly and Tiny Tim just threw it back in his face. It turns out that the woman next door has already put Tiny Tim up for sale in the vet and she wouldn't have given her to us anyway because she wants to make a profit.

What you need to understand though us that I don't have a problem with giving a cat back to it's owner, I just have a problem with giving a cat back to an owner who doesn't care about it time after time after time. I felt like a charity worker to be honest, looking after a kitten that's come from an uncaring home. I'm going to become the scary cat lady that feeds stray cats and leaves a bowl of Iams and Whiskers outside the door every night.

I doubt any sane person will love me then!