I know that I don't usually write two blog posts this close together, because it makes it less likely for the person to read the previous one (plus I just un-subscribed to somebody because they blogged every day and clogged up my reading list). However, I need to relieve myself from this anger, embarrassment and depression, so I'm going to blog it out.
Last night I spoke to Meh on facebook chat for ages. I thought this would prepare me, although saying that, it did take me an hour to build up enough confidence to even type 'Hello..?' to him. The conversation left me really happy, like when I sit next to him in class. I spoke to Smooth briefly and one of the two people that read this blog 'might have said something' to him, which is embarrassing. Last lesson and I have to sit next to him, but I can't choose a seat and he's making me choose, so I self-conbust and turn bright red. He chooses a seat, eventually. Then we just sit there, and we don't say anything, but when he does I laugh and giggle and feel like crying. Thankfully I don't, but I nearly did on the bus. He looks at me and I try to do my serious face but I nearly wet myself in excitement when he looks at me. Seriously, he's lovely. I wanted to talk, but I couldn't without looking like an idiot. I think Miss realised what was going on, as she kept on looking and I think she tried to save me. It's a shame that nothing can save me. Not only does he make me feel stupid, he makes me feel ugly and insignificant. I know I'm not, but I morph when I'm around him. (Lord Hammett, remember how I was with Digby? Yeah, well this is FAR worse!) It's not on. Chapstick kept on swivelling in her chair and talking to him in ease, I was so jealous. She's so pretty. Urgh. I wish I could be that effortless. Hell, I wish he would like me. I spoke to Sailor on the bus and he told me that Meh had been telling him about it. He assured me that he wasn't being mean, he was laughing. This was upsetting in a way, I'm not a joke. I hope Thursday goes better, because I hate my on personal counselling. This can't go too far, like it did with Stoner. I hate hating myself, so why does everyone put me through it?
Oh, and Lady Hammett - I missed you today. x
Sophie... You ARE pretty. Exceedingly so.
ReplyDelete:) You just need more CONFIDENCE. *hugs*
And aye, I DO remember...
You weren't too bad though. :) You just seemed... AWED, I suppose. :)
Counselling's a lod of crap.
As is psychiatry.
As is psychology.
(A) I'm so awkward...
It's just it NEVER worked here, so I have rather a jaundiced view of it. :L
xox
I've had counselling with three or four different people - a counsellor, a teacher, a nurse practitioner and the school counsellor.
ReplyDeleteThe school teacher was good as it was mainly for confidence building, but it totally worked. The best was the Irish nurse practitioner (whom I adored) and she hit the nail on the head. She was the person who caught me self-harming first time round. She blamed Tess and not the parents, which was right.
x
:) Fair enough.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it's a case of "speak as you find". :) If it works for you, that's good.
xox