Just Because it's Uplifting.

[All of the following took place on facebook chat (unless specified otherwise). We were both sat in the living room, approximately six metres away from each other with Lady Hammett sat next to me.]

Diane (Mother)

SH**head

Me (Daughter)

-.- Bedtime.

Diane (Mother)

OVERTIRED

Me (Daughter)

Says the adult calling their daughter a shithead.

Now make me a sandwich.

Diane (Mother)

CHILDISH!!!!!

Diane *in person*

What sandwich do you want?

I'm Heartbroken.

Publishing: Books and Magazines is no longer an available course at the University of Gloucestershire. It's gone. All of that careful planning and scrutiny, all of that upset and stress, all of that for nothing. This sucks serious ass. What a disappointment. Not on.

Chocolate Diet

I don't think I included anything about my 'chocolate diet' in my last, mammoth post. So I'll inform you all about it now.

Before my mass indulgence I was 9st 4lbs.

After my mass indulgence, I was 9st 11lbs.

First of all, I think it's important for you all to know that I know I'm not fat. I'm a size eight top, and a size ten in trousers. Yes I'd like my thighs to be smaller, but I know a lot of girls that do. You can't choose to have deer-legs, and if you have hips then you're bound to have thighs because otherwise it would just look weird and your trousers wouldn't fit you! However, in the last week of school and over the two week holiday, I gained half a stone due to chocolate. And anyway, obesity must start somewhere. During the last week of school, I was eating a whole entire Aero bar every dinner time, and then we obviously had Easter. I can't really do any exercise due to my medical issues (I'm now finding it hard to even walk for long periods of time without my hips seizing up), so after talking to my parents about my extreme weight gain, we decided that I shouldn't eat chocolate for a week and then limit myself afterwards. Being a vegetarian, I'm already limited to what I could eat, and this just seriously blew, but I did it anyway. I'm not into the whole business of calorie counting or checking my intake against my Guideline Daily Allowance, but there are some things that we know we shouldn't over-indulge on. The diet started on Tuesday. On Friday, my parents bought me a brownie and said I could eat it and after walking for just under one hour, ten minutes yesterday with Ashmlee Willie Winkie, which is 3675 steps and 103 calories (I only know this because of my uber cool pedometer on my newest iPod), Mother let me have some Nutella. I was given a teaspoon but the amount I put on the teaspoon was more like two tablespoons! I weighed myself this morning (Sunday) and I'm down to 9st, 6lbs so I only have 2lbs to go. I plan to start my yoga in July as well, so maybe this kind of thing can be prevented from happening in the future.

Oh, and just to add: I'm going to see Tim Minchin on May 31st in the Hay-on-Wye festival!

Problem Solving =]

So a problem has arisen with my A level options which might cause problems later on in University. For God's sake please change the record - I know I'm thinking ahead and that I haven't actually sat my GCSEs yet, but like the saying goes: prior planning and preparation prevents pish poor performance. At least I won't get a cold slap in the face for a wake up call and realise that everything I've done in my life has been a waste because nothing adds up. Yes, like Economics is a social science, Life is a social math. Those who can't work out probabilities of events occurring, sum up the consequences of their actions or arrange their priorities from highest to lowest are quite frankly screwed. I know that Elly's right, and that life isn't as difficult as people would have you believe, but if you want to be successful financially to be able to take time off in order to work on your dream, then I think that you need to get things right. You can't build a house on a shaky foundation and not be weary of disaster. I know that I've spent a lot of time explaining that I don't want to get things wrong now, but the more I write, the more of an insight you get into my mind. Yes, this is all stressful for now, but it's no way near as stressful as it would be if you hadn't the faintest idea as to what to do. This is a good kind of stressful, because you can always comfort yourself by reminding yourself that you can change your mind as much as possible as far as University is concerned, because you have two whole school years left to finish until your final decision is set in stone. You don't even need to go straight on to University, although I think it's best because then you won't be out of the habit of learning.

Basically, I wanted to take Psychology, Sociology, Biology and English Literature. Psychology to go on to Criminology; Sociology to go with Criminology as a back-up, plus I'm really good at it; Biology because I read in one of the prospectuses that you need two sciences, inc. Psychology, to do Psychology at degree level, plus it's my best science and most helpful; English Literature because English is my best subject and Mother has an English degree if I did happen to need any help or guidance. These have obviously been thought out and are strategic. Then we had our option sheets and to my absolute horror, Sociology and Biology clash (meaning their in the same column and therefore occur on the same periods every single week).

Now, this can be sorted out. My headteacher has to consider the needs of both Ysgol Tre-Gib and Pantecelyn as she's in charge of both schools, so if enough pupils take two subjects that clash, the clash can be sorted out via the subjects being rearranged. There are six columns, one of which is an after school column. There are three columns that I'm not using so hopefully something could be worked out and put in one of those. However, after a conversation that took place between Mother and the deputy head of my school, a surprisingly lovely and fair Griffiths-Jones, it turns out that out of the two schools, only one pupil selected both Sociology and Biology. What are the chances of that? Me - the only one. I feel like I've been thrown into the dark ages where if you're unique, you're ostracised. If anything around twenty people had selected the same two subjects as myself, then the clash could've been figured out. However, I was alone in my decision, and therefore nothing will be done. It's simply not worth it for one person, and although I am deeply upset, I understand. Why bother putting everyone else's options at risk for one person out of around two thousand? That person might become the richest and most successful person in the whole entire history of the world, and yet they never get their full potential achieved because it just didn't work out. That's just depressing though, that's why I think that people who believe in fate are happier (even though they tend to be lazier). What this means to me is that I need to compromise both emotionally and strategically, and to do this, I enlisted the help of Mother. (I've made her sound like some superhero, have I not?)

First off, we got out the sixth form time table and circled the two subjects that I'm definitely doing in red (Psychology and English Literature). Then, going through every single subject that wasn't in either of the used up columns, we circled the possibilities in green. In the end, I had six of these - Chemistry, Biology, Sociology, Math, Economics and Media Studies. Soon after, we discarded both Chemistry simply because I don't really enjoy Chemistry much - Sorry Lord Hammett. Plus, I think I lack the passion required.

Secondly, Mother gave them a 'difficulty rating', which was 1 - easy, 2 - difficult, 3 - very difficult and after writing up my four possible courses of action, we added up their scores. (We gave Economics a 2 because in the sixth form booklet, it says that the standard of maths required is at a basic level.) The end results were as followed:

#1: Psychology (3) + English Literature (2) + Biology (2) + Media Studies (1) = Hard (8)

#2: Psychology (3) + English Literature (2) + Sociology (1) + Economics (2) = Okay (8)

#3: Psychology (3) + English Literature (2) + Sociology (1) + Math (3) = Hardest (9)

#4: Psychology (3) + English Literature (2) + Sociology (1) + Media Studies (1) = Easiest (7)

#1 was branded Mother's choice, #2 was branded a good selection and Dad's choice, #3 was branded as the hardest and #4 was branded as the most enjoyable as they're all humanities, but Mother's choice for Publishing. We discarded #3 as it wouldn't help my mental state at all (if you don't know what I'm on about, please just gloss over my last blog entry), especially with the Math.

Pa came home and we showed him everything that we'd done. I then picked up the University of Gloucestershire's Undergraduate Prospectus for twenty-ten and looked at Criminology, then at Creative Writing (since it's a joint honours applicable to Criminology) and then Publishing: Books and Magazines (which is a joint honours applicable to Creative Writing). Now get this: Criminology requires 240 points only, Creative Writing requires 240 points and at least an AS in either English Language or English Literature, and Publishing: Books and Magazines requires 260 points. (Psychology, which I could've done with Criminology, requires 280 points and at least a C in GCSE Math. Sociology, which I also could've done with Criminology, requires 220 points from a minimum of two A levels.) I worked out the minimum of points that I expect to have and I'd have more than enough. I don't even need to do four. Mother spoke to the administrator and found out that they accept the Welsh Baccalaureate, which would give me 120 points if I pass it. Something else amazing about the University of Gloucestershire is that the courses I want to do are based in Cheltenham, which is one of my favourite places ever.

I know that you shouldn't let your parents decide what you're going to do for the rest of your life - I even explained this to Pa by saying that if he wanted me to be a doctor, then I'd do all the required stuff and go on to hang myself in University, and that it would all be his fault - however, having their support makes a big difference. Nobody was ever supportive of the Criminology track that I was going down, but now Pa is being extremely encouraging about the Publishing: Books and Magazines especially, and the fact that it's with Creative Writing leads Pa on to believe that it's absolutely perfect for me. He's highly concerned about my mental health though, reminding us about what the doctor said, which is nice.

So now I guess it's between Economics and Media Studies. Both of these have their advantages to Publishing: Books and Films, no matter what anybody says. I know that in Media Studies, I'd be stuck with a lot of drop out scum because it's one of 'those' subjects. If I did Media Studies though, I'd have a hell of a lot more points and it would be useful because it's to do with the business that I hope, wish and pray to enter. No, I don't want to be a news reader like my parents would like, and I don't want to be a news journalist, but I'd love to be a music journalist or reviewer. Obviously though, number one life ambition will always be to be an author that sells enough books to make a living off of it and is then enabled to stay at home, writing.

Just quickly to finish, I have become very annoyed at one of my friends and it is completely their fault. It seems that they're doing everything in their power to not only contradict me, but to make me not only doubt myself, but to doubt my decisions on things that I was certain and happy about. The latest two being what I eat and my decisions with my options. Everything here is well though out with both of my parents - I think we'd know if a subject was irrelevant, like Biology would be. I feel that I'll explode to them one day, like I did to Sara in the corridor when I screamed, "Why do you hate me so much?!" I won't tell you how they've put these doubts there because then they'll know exactly who they are, if they don't already. I'm trying to keep contained for now.

For now.

Jeffree Star, my Doctor and my family.

Tuesday April Sixth, Twenty-Ten.

I went to see Jeffree Star in Sin City, Swansea. I spent £18 on merch (an uber-hot tee and his new CD entitled 'Beauty Killer') and then had my CD signed by the God himself. If you don't know who Jeffree Star is, then: [http://www.myspace.com/jeffreestar] Not only is he beautiful, but my sister and I have been in love with him since his first EP, 'Plastic Surgery Slumber Party'. I insisted Tess went, she simply had to. She brought Hannah of course, and I went with Cerian, Amy and Crumple. Synthetic Season were the opening band, and I loved them. Then Jeffree Star, who is quite frankly a real-life Queen Supreme. Then BrokeNcyde, who I like, but not enough to watch. Whilst they were on, Jeffree Star appeared at the merch table and over half of the audience left to see him. Okay, so I walked into the table when I walked up to him, but I was literally in a dream world! He signed my CD, we had a photo taken, and then I walked off with Tess and Hannah riding on cloud nine.

Wednesday April Seventh, Twenty-Ten.

I went to see the doctor. I've had a major headache since March Ninth (those with a good memory might remember me complaining after the first half of my Art exam) and now we're getting concerned. My Great-Aunt complained of headaches her whole life and eventually had an aneurysm and died of a brain haemorrhage. The blunt doctor said that I have a nervous disposition and am suffering from a stress migraine, so I need to do things that are more relaxing. I can't really do exercise due to the hyper mobility syndrome, and I can't swim (which is one of the few exercises that are good for me). Reading and writing isn't relaxing since it required concentration, so he ended up saying that the only thing for the headaches were video games. He also stressed that he's seen a lot of able people having the same problem, and that they have nervous breakdowns in university and go on to do nothing. He seems really concerned that I'm going to make myself psychologically ill. So I've basically been prescribed video games.

Monday April Twelfth, Twenty-Ten.

Mother, Papi and I found out that Nanna-Brown and Grandad-Brown were finally moving to Australia. They had it all planned out and are leaving in July. Whilst Papi acted over the moon at the start, he was upset since they didn't tell us until ten days had passed and everyone else knew. My parents wanted to buy our old computer back for me to do work on during my A levels, but they've already sold it and he won't give it back. The atmosphere all day was so horrible, I apologized to Ashmlee Willie Winkie later on and he said that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't apologize.

Tuesday April Thirteenth, Twenty-Ten.

It was Ashmlee Willie Winkie's and my eight weekiversary today, according to him. I went to see Tess and Hannah up in Carmarthen. We didn't really do anything, just sat around the table mainly. Charlie was there, urgh... Jam (who I haven't seen in around two years), Rachel and Danni (who I'd never met before) were the first of the visitors, nothing much happened apart from Tess and Hannah putting on fake tan. We were all nearly wetting ourselves with laughter. Tess looked proper black, especially her hands. Hannah wasn't much better, but Tess' peroxide hair didn't really help. Jam, Rachel and Danni left, and the next batch of visitors were this guy who had a voice that made everything he said sound like a complaint called David, a really quiet guy called Martyn, this lovely gay guy called Jake and Hannah's really pretty sister Becky. They stayed for a while and still, nothing much happened. I had my first ever cream soda and made myself some toast. They left and the three of us retired to the living room. I watched the first ten minutes of Saw V and then was picked up at 20.10-ish.

Wednesday April Fourteenth, Twenty-Ten.

My headaches are still awful so I went up to the doctor again - we think I've built up a resistance to Ibuprofen and Paracetamol just like I did when I was on Mephanamic Acid for my Endometriosis, so now I've been given Co-codamol, which you can get addicted to. Last time I took Co-codamol was the night that I swaer to God I had a mini-overdose, so I'm a tad bit weary now...

the Thing, the Allergy, the Spider, the Channel.

So I survived Lady Hammett's Aunti's house 'thing' and I might've exaggerated everything in my head due to fear. In the end, I wore my balloony purple top over a black long sleeve and black skinnies. Since my hair is black now, just the tiniest bit of black clothing makes it look like you're wearing all black, so I tied a floral scarf in my hair and put on silvery eye shadow (with black liquid near the mascara-coated lashes of course), and and my coral nail varnish! It makes me happy to look at, I need to buy more bright colours. I stayed over Lady Hammett's house, and then got picked up by GrandPapi. (It was actually really funny, as my phone started going and I looked at Lady Hammett and said, "It'll be my grandad going [impression of GrandPapi] I'M OUTSIDE!" and then, when I answered the phone, all you could hear was GrandPapi going "I'M OUTSIDE!" to which we laughed.) I got in the car, smirked at the old man and put Johnny Cash on. The song in question: One Piece At A Time.

We went to Gegin Fach (a tiny cafe in Llandeilo that's usually full of OAPs where I'm hopefully going to get a Summer job), met Mother and had food. Then, instead of walking down to Ashmlee Willie Winkie's as planned, we drove down and picked him up to take him with us to Leekes. He wasn't home, he was in Ben's, but walked over just before I lazily made my way over. We had a chocolate muffin each, and a hot chocolate with cream each, then we left. I had fun at home playing with his face and showing Mother the outcomes. We napped, went downstairs, Mother made him food (pasta with sauce) and made me a snack (Pringles to dip in the same sauce but in a pot), and we settled on the couch watching freak programmes. Programmes such as 101 Things Removed From The Human Body, Another 101 Things Removed From The Human Body, Surgical Appliances That Were Left Behind, and something to do with amazing medical stories. He slept on the couch again, and was gone by the next morning. I read fifty pages of Silas Marner the next day and it nearly killed me. I then started itching my arm again, therefore leading us to believe that Ashmlee Willie Winkie is my allergy. It only happens on Sundays, after I've seen him on Saturday.

Today, the first official day of the holiday, and I woke up a few times before finally getting out of bed at 14:26 to a sleeping house. I woke the house up (turned all the lights on and let the dogs out). Last night, not only did I have an itch, I also had a splitting headache that caused me to lose my peripheral vision when I stood up and forced me to wear sunglasses that look like they were from the sixties since the lights in the room (which was only candlelight) hurt me. The rents found it pretty funny anyway. I blame the fact that I read a whole fifty pages of Silas Marner! I'm better now though. Anywho, Mary started crying and I took her out the back. I closed the door and then saw a hideous, fat, petrifying spider and shrieked. Santi ran in and toyed with it for about two minutes, at one point sitting on it and trying to go under the mat because he thought it was under there. When he found it under his fat arse, he picked it up with his paw and ate it. He's a very smart cat indeed. I then fetched him some food to help it go down because I was actually scared that it would come up and attack me. I can't kill living things myself, and I have often let spiders live in the house against the rents will, but when it's as scary as this one was then I must let Santi intervene. It is just like a treat after all..? He's not a murderer, he's a saviour! MY KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR! xD

I almost jizzed when We Are Scientists came on television (NME of course) with their new song 'Rules' and oh sweet Jesus, I love Keith and his voice! I turned it up louder than I normally would with sleeping rents, but they deserve to be played loud! Once that finished, I pressed [channel down] and HOLY CRAP! The Academy Is... were just on television! There's an amazing new channel called Lava (underneath NME Tv, Sky 378) and I literally love every song on it. It has bands that I never thought I'd see on the television, just on the internet. Like Red Jumpsuit Apparatus, The Academy Is... and The Wombats. They also show really old videos, like The Automatic and Paramore's first videos. Plus, at night they have unsigned bands, which is an amazing way of finding new pocket bands to say you've been there since the start with. I now have five channels, although only four really since Scuzz isn't my thing anymore though. I still have MTV2, Kerrang! (just about), NME Tv, and now Lava!

Back In Form.

I know that people are now aware of this blog, and I honestly don't mind. This is just me trying to let off steam, put things into perspective and be happier in the knowledge that I'm not being a secretive moose. Anyway, Meh knows and in some ways I don't actually mind because I didn't really hide it, and whilst I could only ever patronize him, I was getting better on the talking front. However, I noticed how I've actually gone back to how I use to be mentally: unstable, intolerant and closed. My hair is back black too. I wear colours now though, and I don't like feminine guys much (which reminds me of my shocking revelation).

Today was the school's Eisteddfod, which is all in Welsh. None of the lessons ran properly, and first lesson I had Welsh. I'd made up a plan on the spot when I arrived and saw no Meh, I quickly went to a computer room before he could appear and did a task for Business that I hadn't done before. Lunch time went with no qualms, apart from me panicking over outfits to wear to this 'thing' tomorrow (which I'll explain later on), and then only myself and one other person turned up to Art. So we went down to the hall to watch some of the Eisteddfod. First was a Welsh rendition of Queen's 'Somebody To Love' which has to be one of the most awful things I've ever heard, and then there was a Welsh rendition of James Morrisson's 'Broken Strings' which was actually really good considering it was in Welsh. Mind you, it was fronted by one of the prettiest, loveliest, most talented girls in my year, so that was no surprise. Then there was some crap 'ceremony' thing that made no sense to me but went on until forever, or at least that's what it felt like. Then there were the disco dancing groups. The first in green were okay, but the dancing wasn't amazing and it wasn't funny, so it didn't bode well. The second group came out in blue (which was my 'team') were entertaining and did well. Nothing could prepare me for the final group though. Basically, the guys stole the show in the way that all guys can. Girls just don't know how to be funny. Bless, they completely stole the show. Four of the guys in their vests (and I never thought I'd be girly about guys with muscles, but I literally died - in a good way), one in a bright yellow tutu. He's in my Business class, so I knew he was really funny, but I never thought I'd actually laugh out loud at him on a stage. Meh was in that group, but that wasn't why I watched it and I really resented the thought that that was why I was there.

I then stayed afterwards to watch some of the music soloists. My 'bus buddy' first, my old friend second, Lady Hammett third, Chin fourth. Then I left. I would've waited for Squidward, but I didn't know how long that would be. I had to walk past Meh to leave the room, and I think I nearly broke my neck. The floor was like a magnet and I clenched my eyes shut. It was horrible, I felt so small and puny. Oh well... Turns out Squidward won, which is epic since all we hear about is Lady Hammett and my 'bus buddy' winning things, but Squidward isn't as competitive so it's less rare news. Lady Hammett understood when I explained to her. This is one of the few times where I could actually say it better than I wrote it down. Talking about music, I have rediscovered my love for Emilie Autumn (her album is top priority for me to get now, sorry Ellie Goulding!) and Elly has introduced me to Joanna Newman, who is seriously amazing in a weird way. Emilie Autumn is quickly becoming my new obsession. She went to a music school, and they told her to keep her personality off the stage as she was only an outlet for the music, she tried to kill herself a few times and has bi-polar, eventually ending up in a mental asylum. She's written a book called 'The Asylum For Wayward Victorian Girls' and records poems and releases them as a part of her albums. I've included a short video of hers below and it's like the only video of that topic. She's not like these feminists who rant and rave about men all the time.

The 'thing' that Lady Hammett has brought upon me is that of a family event that I'm still not sure of. I had a brief run down on the family members that would be there; the depressing vegetarian and her know-it-all second husband, the kooky old lady and her deaf husband, the posh host who doesn't need to work and has two houses and her husband (who I've forgotten all about other than he must have a good job), the drop-out cousin and chav cousin with the boring job who I can't remember if their going or not, the cousin with the babies. Anyway... I don't know what to wear. I've been warned not to say anything weird or wear too much black. I don't want to over-dress or under-dress, I have a really nice posh dress but it's black, and Lady Hammett assured me that it wasn't 'that' kind of 'thing'. To say the least, I'm petrified and the worst part is that it's tomorrow.

I've also decided that in sixth form I shall say what I want, wear what I want and do what I want. I'm fed up of this fake façade, living life trying to be normal and then relaxing on her. In sixth form, I won't hide things and I won't be defeated by someone as perfect as Meh. I'll be like a sphynx - weird, extreme and naked (metaphorically or course). Oh, and by the way, I totally can't believe that it was snowing on the last day of March. Spontaneous weather - I like you. You can stay.